I faked an abortion last night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
