im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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