wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
