we made out on top of his cat.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
