Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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