I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
