There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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