My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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