good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
they need to just BURY HIM!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize