Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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