mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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