There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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