If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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