I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
