Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
