i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
