How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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