Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
