I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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