OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
