Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
