I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
