You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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