Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
