Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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