are you still at the devil's house?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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