And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
