Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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