Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
