i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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