i just had sex bonerless
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
