mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
4 words: hood of his car
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize