I accidentally burped into my bong.
I smell stomach acid.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This house was built for laser tag.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
