I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
