...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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