I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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