im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I could fuck to npr.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
