I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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