her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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