My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
