dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
