How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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