Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
