he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
