I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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