So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
