So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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