Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
