Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
