your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
