My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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