So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
