just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
