I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
