I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
