I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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