Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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