thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
